Celibacy in the Suburbs

While the rest of the world produces and watches tv shows like sex and the city, I sit in Provo, UT. living celibacy in the suburbs. I’m not complaining…not really. But if I’m honest I am a little tired of being single. One of my single friends was asked by her students if she was a nun since she wasn’t married. She simply informed them that she was not a nun..its just that when it came to guys…she had none.

Welcome to my life. Celibacy in the suburbs. I hope I’m not anything like Carrie, and I know my roommates don’t really resemble, Charlotte, Samantha, and Miranda but just for the fun of it I’m going to use their names instead of ours.

My episode would be called…

“The Last Kiss”

I have this theory about last kisses. There is no such thing. When you break up with someone and you think, I just want one last kiss. It never ends up that way. The minute the kiss is over you are thinking wait…just one more, one more, and one more. It never ends! That is why I have this theory that when you break up with someone you should just make a clean break and walk away. No strings attached.  No last kiss, no meeting up to talk and absolutely under no circumstances try to remain friends.

Mr. Big called me last night. Samantha and I were having a relaxing evening doing glitter toes in the basement when my phone rang. My special ring tone “Are you going to kiss me or not” alerted us both that it was Big calling. Samantha looked at me with that all-knowing look and said “You know you shouldnt answer that.”

But I did and as I walked up the stairs her words bounced off the walls behind me. “You need to make better choices!” Don’t we all.

Meanwhile across the country Charlotte was dealing with a break up of her own. Or not dealing with it depending on how you like to look at it. She and Trey had decided months ago that until certain issues were resolved they were better off on their own. But then after a few weeks Charlotte started to wonder if they would ever get back together and she wanted just one last kiss.

Having lunch one day at Zupas we had discussed the pros…well pretty much just the cons of the last kiss. The only pro is that it feels good for a minute. I shared with her the sage advice I had learned about last kisses from my own experiences with Big. “It will feel good for a minute and then you have to go through those first weeks without him all over again” I told her. “and before you know it a year has gone by and all you have are a handful of last kisses.” She agreed that it was not a good idea to have her last kiss. We both made a pact that no matter how much we thought it would help and feel good in that moment there would be no “last kiss”

But as so many of us do Charlotte found that she just had to learn from her own experience. She had her “last kiss” and the next thing she knew the last was just the first of many. She and Trey were right back where they had started, with their issues still not resolved.

After answering Big’s phone call we decided we needed to get together just to talk. I don’t want to hate him. I love him too much for that. Our relationship was special…is special in its own unique, often awful sort of way. So we needed this talk, I needed to see him, I needed to establish that while I know that marriage to Big is not a good idea as a person he still means a lot to  me. We decided that we would see each other more often, but in less intimate settings and we would try to work on our friendship. Which meant that there could be no kissing, none of that relationship stuff that makes things complicated. We talked, and we agreed. It was good to see him again. It was good to feel like I was finally moving on. Which led to the inevitable last kiss. The last kiss that I know is not a good idea, the one that just leaves you wanting one more, the one I thought would be the exception.

I deserve more than Big is willing to give me. I see the excitement and love and joy on people’s faces as they kneel across an alter and start a journey that will change their lives forever. I want that. I want a real relationship. I am tired of last kisses. Ironically, they never seem to last.