There is nothing good about good-bye

Its something I’ve never been very good at. I don’t know if that’s because it wasn’t something that I experienced very often in the first 20 years or so of my life, or if either way I would have had the same struggle with letting go and saying goodbye.

I remember when each of my older sisters got married and in a sense I said goodbye to them. I said goodbye to the life that we had together, I said goodbye to sharing everything with them and I knew they would change tremendously so in a sense it was saying goodbye to the person that they were. Soon they would be mom’s and wives and they would leave me behind.

I remember when Aunt Hannah died. She was about the closest person to me that I had ever experienced losing. I remember wondering if I would ever have a day where I didn’t ache with missing her. Its been about 18 years since she died. I still miss her but not only are there days when I don’t ache but there are often weeks where I don’t really even think about her if I’m honest. Somehow life has resumed and while I loved her and still do, and while I do think of her often with fondness and a little sadness that she is gone, I have moved on, found peace, and it is not something that really affects my life anymore.

Joining the LDS church was saying goodbye in a way that I hope I never experience again. It was saying goodbye to everything all at once. It hurt more than anything ever has and it hurt for a very long time. In fact it was something that I shed tears over probably almost on a daily basis for the first 6 years or so.

Sometimes saying goodbye is something that happens all at once, like when our dog Meg was put to sleep. One minute she was there and the next she was not. Like when my Grandma Vilate and my Great Grandma were hit by a truck as they were crossing the street together. One minute they were two little old ladies enjoying an afternoon together, we were planning to visit as soon as our schedule and our lives settled down. The next they were gone.

Other times it happens slowly. Like with my dad. Over the last couple of years I have watched as little by little I lose my dad. He is still here, he is still alive and actually doing pretty well which is something that I am so grateful for. But he is not the dad that I knew. He is not strong, and jolly and wise. He is old and frail and forgetful. I cant go to him for advice because he can’t remember what the question was long enough to give me much of an answer. I can’t count on him to be there for me because he is more like a child than a man. I love him, he is still my hero, my rock, and I will always love him. I’ve actually been glad that he is going slowly. It gives me a chance to make those adjustments to him not really being there while I can still put my arms around him and hear him call me his little ladybug. I can still hear his voice as he whistles popcorn popping. I can still see the twinkle in his eye. One day I know I will lose that too but I am glad that I get to make this adjustment a little at a time.

And that brings me to the crux of this post. Ryan is moving to Hawaii. I know I should be ok with it. I have felt for some time now that its ok that we are not together, that I believe we can be happier with someone else. The problem is that I love him. I love him so much that I didn’t even know how much until he showed up at my house unannounced and told me that he is leaving. In just a couple short weeks he will be gone from my life for at least two years. It might as well be forever. I can’t say goodbye to him all at once. I need it to slowly die out while we can still be friends, can still see each other and still be a part of each others lives. I wanted to slowly grow apart.

I really wasn’t hanging on to hope that things would change and we would get back together. I wasn’t. But I also wasn’t ready to let go of him completely. Ryan was so much more than my boyfriend. He was my best friend and the one person that I felt completely myself with. He was the person whom I loved so much that it hurt. He was my first kiss and my first love. He was… well there just aren’t words. When he told me, I wasn’t expecting the hammer that slammed down in the pit of my stomach almost making me lose the dinner that I hadn’t eaten yet. I wasn’t expecting the room to start to spin or the tears that came almost uncontrollably and certainly unwelcome to my eyes. I wasn’t expecting my esophagus to suddenly swell to twice its normal size and make it difficult for me to breathe. I wasn’t expecting the panic that set in after he left as I realized that I would have to say goodbye to him for good and there was nothing I could do about it.

I tried to compose myself to talk to him like a sane, rational person. I kept my voice calm, I kept my mouth in the shape of a smile so that I wouldn’t cry and I talked to him about the things he wanted to talk about. But all the while I just wanted him to hold me and tell me that it was all going to be ok and that he loved me still and that he was leaving…but I could go with him. I wanted to beg and plead with him to see reason. To see that no one will ever love him as much as I do or that no one will ever make him as happy as I can.

In the end I did cry. When he tried to say goodbye and he did give me a hug. The familiar feel of his arms around me broke whatever reserve I had and the tears flowed shamefully. I want to tell him I love him. I need to tell him I love him. I need to hear him tell me the same. What I don’t want, what I don’t know how to do…is say goodbye.

Sex in Mayberry? Or is it Andy Grifith in the City…

I am all about contradictions. I see them everywhere. Especially in myself. The other day I was channel hopping between Sex and the City and the Andy Griffith show. I managed to watch two episodes of each and began to see a number of similarities. Let’s face it,  there were a number of differences as well. But overall I was surprised to see that two TV shows that at first glance have nothing in common actually have a lot in common. For example, in The Andy Griffith show you have two confirmed bachelors, Andy and Barney. Through the course of the show I don’t think that either of them marry but they have a number of girl friends.

In the episode I was watching Andy met a girl that he liked and his efforts at courting her were constantly thwarted by Barney’s bumbling efforts at helping him.  Andy wants to spend some time alone with this girl so that he can kiss her. It seemed that every way Andy turned there was Barney throwing a wrench in his plans. When Andy tells Barney that they have been going on double dates a lot and he thinks its time they spent some time alone, Barney thinks he wants to spend time alone with him and he calls his girlfriend to tell her that he can’t see her that night since he and Andy are going to have some guy time.

Finally, Andy just up and tells Barney that he wants to be alone with his girl, because he wants to talk to her, you know? He has some things he would like to say to her alone. Barney gives him that all knowing smile and a little friendly jab in the ribs that says he understands and then he proceeds to tell the whole town that Andy is planning to propose. Barney and the town plan a surprise party to celebrate with the couple. When the whole town intrudes on what was supposed to be a quiet relaxing date, Andy decides that he doesn’t even care anymore and he kisses his girl right there in front of half the town.

As I bounced back and forth between Sex and the City and The Andy Griffith Show there were several things that caught my attention.

First, some things apparently have changed over time. For example, the way we talk. Words like swell, dandy, fixin’, and courtin’, and the like just aren’t words that civilized folks use these days.

Also I noticed that Carrie and Samantha dress a little differently than Ellie and Thelma Lou. And lets not get started on names. Really? Thelma Lou, some things have definitely changed for the better!

As for the guys their fashion hasn’t really changed all that much. They wore a few more hats in the Andy Griffith show and I guess overalls are kind of a think of the past…

But when it comes to relationships I was surprised to see a lot of similarities. I watch Andy trying to ease his arm around Ellie’s shoulder, trying to get some time alone with her and I thought some things never change. I turned the channel and saw similar behavior on Sex and the City. Sure, once they made the moves things well… they moved…right into bed. Now there never was a bedroom scene in the Andy Griffith show unless you count Aunt Bea giving Opie a little Pep talk after his fight with the school bully but that hardly applies in this sense.

I saw Ellie and Thelma Lou working to get a commitment from the men, and I turned the channel to see Carrie complaining to Big about not having a key to his apartment.

So maybe I’m stretching the truth a little to say that they have a lot in common, but there were definitively some similarities. And although I know I haven’t seen every episode of either show I can’t for the life of me recall the main characters getting married, well, at least not staying that way.

Figuring it all out

I know what I want. I always have.

I told a friend that the other day and he didn’t believe me. He told me that he honestly believes that when it comes down to it I would waffle. I would say “I don’t know” “I don’t really care either way” or some other form of indecision. He told me it was ok because I’m a girl and that’s what girls do. We window shop, we change our minds, we cry without knowing why and just when you think that we have made a decision we start to question ourselves.

All of that is true, probably about most girls, and probably most of the time. It’s not very true of me. Now I will admit I have had my moments of indecision, my moments of tears for no obvious reason. I am still female after all. But gosh darn it I know what I want. Right now, right this minute I know! I know how I want to get it, I know when and what it would look like, I know what he would wear, I know what I would wear. I know what he would say and how he would look when he said it. I know exactly how I would feel and what would happen after. I know all of it. I’ve known it for years. All I’m missing is the control to make it happen. oh yeah and the someone to make it happen with. ( small details)

GGrrrr if growling would help, then I am woman hear me roar!

If laying on the floor kicking and screaming and throwing a royal temper tantrum would help then I would throw the queen of tantrums

If holding my breath,

Starving myself,

hiking halfway across the country

or doing any number of bizarre things would help me get what I want I would be doing them.

Unfortunately, I seem to be helpless beyond what I am used to feeling in this particular situation. So I wait, yet again. I try to learn patience, I try to focus on those things that I can control, I try to believe that all those things that I have spent my life waiting for are actually going to show up someday.

I know what you are thinking. Your thinking she is talking about a guy. And you wouldn’t be far wrong. I am talking about a guy, but I am also talking about a number of bigger better and more wonderful things as well. Things that I can’t accomplish on my own. Things that I want so badly I sometimes feel that I can’t take another breath. I’m talking about finding an end to the loneliness that I have carried with me for so many years, I am talking about moving forward with my life with someone who I love, someone who I trust and belive in, someone who I look up to. Someone who I want to spend eternity with. I’m talking about family, purpose, new life and new love. I am talking about all of that.

And in the mean time I am also talking about one particular guy, who I don’t love, but I might could one day.

I’m talking about one particular guy who gives me butterflies in my stomach when I see him and makes me feel hope again at possibilities

I’m talking about one particular guy who I wish were here.

But he’s not

So once again all I can do is control the things I can control, so maybe I’ll stop thinking and just go find something to do. Keep this crazy head of mine from exploding.

So I’m just curious what do the rest of you do when it all starts to feel a bit overwhelming?