Figuring it all out

I know what I want. I always have.

I told a friend that the other day and he didn’t believe me. He told me that he honestly believes that when it comes down to it I would waffle. I would say “I don’t know” “I don’t really care either way” or some other form of indecision. He told me it was ok because I’m a girl and that’s what girls do. We window shop, we change our minds, we cry without knowing why and just when you think that we have made a decision we start to question ourselves.

All of that is true, probably about most girls, and probably most of the time. It’s not very true of me. Now I will admit I have had my moments of indecision, my moments of tears for no obvious reason. I am still female after all. But gosh darn it I know what I want. Right now, right this minute I know! I know how I want to get it, I know when and what it would look like, I know what he would wear, I know what I would wear. I know what he would say and how he would look when he said it. I know exactly how I would feel and what would happen after. I know all of it. I’ve known it for years. All I’m missing is the control to make it happen. oh yeah and the someone to make it happen with. ( small details)

GGrrrr if growling would help, then I am woman hear me roar!

If laying on the floor kicking and screaming and throwing a royal temper tantrum would help then I would throw the queen of tantrums

If holding my breath,

Starving myself,

hiking halfway across the country

or doing any number of bizarre things would help me get what I want I would be doing them.

Unfortunately, I seem to be helpless beyond what I am used to feeling in this particular situation. So I wait, yet again. I try to learn patience, I try to focus on those things that I can control, I try to believe that all those things that I have spent my life waiting for are actually going to show up someday.

I know what you are thinking. Your thinking she is talking about a guy. And you wouldn’t be far wrong. I am talking about a guy, but I am also talking about a number of bigger better and more wonderful things as well. Things that I can’t accomplish on my own. Things that I want so badly I sometimes feel that I can’t take another breath. I’m talking about finding an end to the loneliness that I have carried with me for so many years, I am talking about moving forward with my life with someone who I love, someone who I trust and belive in, someone who I look up to. Someone who I want to spend eternity with. I’m talking about family, purpose, new life and new love. I am talking about all of that.

And in the mean time I am also talking about one particular guy, who I don’t love, but I might could one day.

I’m talking about one particular guy who gives me butterflies in my stomach when I see him and makes me feel hope again at possibilities

I’m talking about one particular guy who I wish were here.

But he’s not

So once again all I can do is control the things I can control, so maybe I’ll stop thinking and just go find something to do. Keep this crazy head of mine from exploding.

So I’m just curious what do the rest of you do when it all starts to feel a bit overwhelming?


One thought on “Figuring it all out

  1. katrillesmanydalliances says:

    work. work hard at whatever it is that you do, and when you are too tired to work, work out. There is nothing like a gym session to work out your frustrations. Then you can sleep easy in a heady fog of endorphines in sweet exhaustion.

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