They say you never forget your first love.
There are so many things that I never will forget about mine. I will never forget the way I felt when I first realized that he cared for me. I will never forget that first time that he hesitantly reached for my hand. I will never forget that terrifyingly wonderful moment when I realized I was about to have my first kiss.
I’ll never forget being at work and getting a simple text from him asking if I had been drinking my water (something he knew I had a hard time with) and suddenly realizing that I loved him. I will never forget the thanksgiving day when snuggling together on the couch he whispered to me that he loved me.
I will also never forget the moment standing on a hillside feeling as though my world had come to an end when he told me that it was over for good between us. Things had never been perfect. But I had loved him with everything that I had in me. And although it is over I don’t regret giving my heart. It has grown so much bigger, and is so much more capable of love now than it ever was.
This week I found out that he got engaged.
I may never see him again and I may never get a chance to tell him all that i have in my heart so I will say it here. Here where he will probably never see it, here where I can send it out into the internet universe and put it to rest one final time.
I would tell him, that I am happy for him, that the man that I loved, the boy that I saw inside of him, the friend that knew my heart like no other is still someone that I love. I would tell him that I want his happiness and that I hope that she and he will have all of the hopes and dreams that I know he longed for. I would tell him that after everything we have been through together I just hope that one day if we run into each other I will get to see a genuine smile, from both of us. I would tell him to please not worry about me and to know that I too will find someone and find the happiness that I longed for.
I would tell him thank you for the good times, for the memories and for helping me to become a better person.
Before we broke up I worried that I might not be able to love him in the way that I would need to love and respect a husband. I prayed that I would see him the way that God saw him, so that I would know what kind of man he really was. That prayer was answered and I saw a man whose heart was so full of love and kindness I saw a man that God loved.
When things ended between us we walked and talked for a long time, and he told me that he loved me and probably always would in a way. But that it was just like a puzzle piece that just didn’t fit. Heaven knows we tried hard enough and long enough and it just never clicked. All of that is over now. He found the missing piece of his puzzle and I will start on a new and exciting journey to find mine.
I hope that I will forget the pain of that moment when I saw on his face the love that I waited for too long to see. I hope that I will forget the plans that I had for our future. I hope that all that will remain will be the joy, the growth and the memories. I don’t want to cry over this, I know it was never in the cards for us to be together. He fulfilled his role in my life and what we had will always be a part of who I am. I always said that everyone needed to have their heart broken once. Well now I’ve had mine. And while I will never forget him, I also will look forward with faith knowing that good things, wonderful things are in store for me. It truly is just the beginning.