I remember being a little kid and singing a song that went something like this, Joseph and Vilate (I just inserted our names here, I didn’t know back then that I would marry Joseph) sitting in a tree K.I.S.S.I.N.G. first comes LOVE then comes MARRIAGE, soon they’ll have a baby carriage. I didn’t really understand what It meant but to me all I knew was that it was some kind of horrible insult to sing that song with someone’s name in it. Especially if the two people DIDN”T like each other!
Well I found out what that means, it means that when you fall in love and get married a baby is soon to follow. Little did I know HOW SOON. So yes if you haven’t figured it out already. IM PREGNANT! It’s a moment that I have waited for and dreamed of most of my life.
It’s something that I thought I was SO ready for, and that I was going to just breeze through, because I would just be so grateful that I was pregnant that when a little nausea came along I would just laugh in its face and think how glad I am that a baby is growing inside me.
Reality took me by surprise, and as I leaned over that bucket throwing up memories of last years food, because I sure haven’t been able to get much down lately, being grateful that I was pregnant never crossed my mind. Now that’s not to say that I am not grateful, because I am and every day I find myself holding the place in my belly where I know that precious little body is growing and thinking that I would do anything to protect it. But in those moments when your body is starving and just wants food, and your stomach is being contrary and doesn’t have the first idea what it will accept and changes its mind every two minutes on what it wants to try and then promptly throws up what you do give it. It’s not gratitude that is first and foremost in your mind. It’s usually pickles, or hamburgers, corn or Green Jello ( I don’t even eat green jello at home I have no idea where that one came from).
So now days I fall to sleep listening to the beautiful relaxing hypno birth recordings and dreaming of the day I will hold my baby in my arms and I wake in the middle of the night needing food, and other unmentionables, and just plain not being able to sleep. I cry for no good reason and sometimes for very good reasons. And its nothing I imagined, and everything I imagined and as Joseph kisses my belly in the morning and tells me to take care of his baby, I fill full. Plumb full of a Joy I never knew existed.