My Whirlwind Romance: Part II “What if he were white?”

When Joseph dropped me off after our first date, I went inside and prepared for bed. I was staying at Sister Gertrude’s house. Sister Gertrude’s daughter Eunice was a friend of mine. Eunice came to my room to talk. I expressed to her my concern about the fact that I probably shouldn’t have even agreed to go on this date because it was pointless and probably not fair to go on a date with a guy when I know nothing can come of it since I was going to be going home in such a short time.

We stayed up talking for awhile. What are you going to do if he asks you again? She asked. Will you go?

He will ask me again, I told her. He made that clear and he told me he would call tomorrow. And I want to go! I want to spend time with him, I just know that its pointless. There is no way I could make any kind of decision before I go home and Africa is way to far away for that kind of long distance relationship. Eunice went to bed, and we never came to any conclusios.

The next morning I woke up and the first thing on my mind was Joseph. I received a text from him thanking me for going on a date with him, the night before. I wondered when he was going to call, and if he would want to see me again that day. By ten that morning, Eunice had gone to work and I needed to be heading back to Lugazi. I boarded a taxi but couldn’t stop thinking that if I went all the way back to Lugazi, than I probably wouldn’t get to see him that day. The taxi started moving out of town. I dialed his number.

He answered and sounded excited to hear from me. I just wanted to tell you that I had a good time last night also, and that I am on my way back to Lugazi, I told him.

“Oh…”he sounded disappointed. “Have you already left?” He asked.

“No I haven’t” It wasn’t a complete lie. I was still technically in JInja. I waited… “should I stay?”

“Yes. I will meet you at Two Friends” he told me

I begged the taxi driver to stop and jumped out even though I had paid the full fare for transport to Lugazi. I waited at Two friends corner.

When Joseph arrived once again I was struck by his handsome carefree manner and how clean cut and put together he was. He stood out from all the other men. We walked and talked all that morning, stopping to eat street food at little shops along the way. We crossed a bridge over the Nile and we stood on the banks of Lake Victoria and just enjoyed the cool breeze. Our conversation was seamless and flowed effortlessly. Joseph amazed me with his attitude, experiences and desires.

Finally I really had to get back. Joseph walked with me and found me a seat in the passenger seat of Taxi. As we waited for the rest of the passengers to board he stood at the window. Neither of us said much but I didn’t want to let go of his hand. I didn’t want him to leave. His fingers rubbed mine his eyes shone and I knew he didn’t want to leave either. I looked at his lips wondering if I wanted him to kiss me and I was surprised by the answer.

The driver was ready to go and reluctantly Joseph let go of my hand. I’ll see you on Sunday. He told me as we drove off. Joseph was a member of the district presidency in our church and he was scheduled to speak in my branch that Sunday.

As we got out on the road and started the long drive back to Lugazi, the woman seated next to me struck up a conversation with me. “So what brings you to Jinja?” she asked.

“A date” I told her.

“Oh and how was it?”

“It was good” I said, nodding my head as if agreeing with myself. “It was really good” Then I stopped, “Actually, it was REALLY good” I told her. “I think I like him” With each statement I wanted to repeat it over and over it was as if it was just sinking in that I did in fact like this guy. I hadn’t thought about it in those terms before, but I did like him. And I wanted to see him again. Sunday couldn’t come fast enough.

ON Sunday I knew that Joseph wouldn’t be coming until after church so I hurried home and ate dinner while I waited for him to come. I paced the confines of the complex, surprised by how anxious and excited I was to see him.

Finally he called and said he was almost here and I decided to walk and join him. At the edge of town as you leave Lugazi there is a clock tower on a grassy place in the middle of a round about. If you take one road it takes you to the mango groves at the edge of town,  the other direction takes you  to jinja and the final road takes you to the Mehta Estate. On the Mehta Estate is a beautiful garden that borders the golf course. It was my plan to take him to the gardens. I had packed a blanket to sit on and brought my lap top with some of my sisters beautiful piano music, and I had packed some snacks I thought we could enjoy the gardens and just sit and talk. I met Joseph at the clock and we walked to the gardens. As we entered and passed the club house Joseph stopped and looked at me. We were holding hands and he lifted my hand and put it over his heart, our fingers entwined, making a fist. He said, Vilate, you remembered how much I love Golf! Red flowers, dripping from vines above our heads, and the fresh cut grass sent sweet fresh scents our way and the moment couldn’t have been more perfect. 429803_10151637624287888_2079889728_n

We walked and talked and Joseph told me about his mom, about his dad and about his views of raising children, He told me about how an kind Australian family had sponsered him years ago and agreed to pay for all of his education, including University. They had wanted to eventually adopt him. As he was graduating highschool he told them that he would be serving a mission for the LDS church. They were pretty upset and told him that if he insisted on serving a mission they would not pay for anymore of his education. He served anyway and gave up his dream of becoming a doctor.

I started realizing how comfortable I felt with him and how similar our ideas about life and family really were. Our cultures were surprisingly similar. We walked down the stone steps to the zen garden, with tall towering bamboo trees, surrounding a sitting area. Lily’s lined the walk and filled the fields around us were so overwhelmingly beautiful as to take your breathe away. DSC00340We sat listening to music and enjoying some snacks, we crossed the pond on a little footbridge and ran barefoot through the wet grassy hillside on the other side. DSC00400

I was terrified at how my feelings were changing. I was uncomfortable with this relationship that seemed so perfect and yet went so much against what I had always thought and believed about mixed race marriages. I kept thinking that I needed to tell him that I couldn’t see him again.

He walked me home and we sat at the little keyboard I had brought along and sang and played for awhile. Finally at about ten I walked him to the taxi. We stood trying to say goodbye. He hugged me and the hug lingered. His hands tightened around my waist and I felt unwilling to let go of his neck. I knew we were attracting attention and that people were watching us but I didn’t care.

I walked back to the house wondering what I was going to do. The Thought came to me “What would you do if he were white?” The answer was simple, I would never let him go.

Later that night I received a text from him. ” Physically, I am home” it said, “but the rest of me is there.”

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My Whirlwind Romance part one ( What wasn’t said)

As I am sure you all have guessed since my last post, there has been a bit that has gone unsaid, so Its time I said it.
I am going to share with you my whirlwind romance. Or at least parts of it.
If you read my post

https://acowintheocean.wordpress.com/2013/05/19/serving-in-the-church/

You know that on one of the most difficult days that I had adjusting to life in Uganda I went to Jinja for a primary program. That day as I sat at the piano in the front of the room, I was looking out over the congregation and I saw, seated on the back row, a man with the biggest brightest smile and eyes that shone with kindness. I remember thinking, “I want to talk to him, I want to know how he feels about things, and what his life experiences have been.” When the meeting was over I did talk to him for a few minutes and then I went home. What I didn’t know was that he was watching me also. He was watching me play and look around the room and he thought ” Wow she must be really good, she isn’t even paying attention to what she is playing!” Then later when I was singing with the children from Lugazi, he turned to Elder Van who was seated next to him and said, I want to take her out on a date. Elder Van informed him that I was only in Uganda a short time.

Me doing a little presentation with the children from Lugazi. This was the day I met Joseph for the first time.

Me doing a little presentation with the children from Lugazi. This was the day I met Joseph for the first time.

That day as I was leaving Joseph (that is his name) watched, resisting the urge to run after me and get my number.
Later he wished that he had gotten it. But he knew that district conference was coming up soon and he figured he would see me and get it then. On the first day of the conference I was sick so I didn’t attend and Joseph disappointed and worried that we wouldn’t get another chance to see each other, prayed that if I would come the next day he wouldn’t let fear keep him from asking me on a date.
The next day, our new interns had arrived and we were scheduled to go spend the day in Jinja at the Source of the Nile. I had really wanted to see it but I also really felt like I should go to district conference. I went and arrived just in time to grab a seat in the back and wait for the conference to start. Joseph was seated on the stand as he is in the district presidency and he was getting worried that I wouldn’t come. Finally he saw me enter and sit at the back. When the conference was over, he was one of the first people to approach me. “Do you remember me?” he asked. I knew I had seen that smile before but I couldn’t remember where and all black people were still looking the same to me. “I’m Joseph, I met you at the primary activity” he reminded me. He asked for my number and I gave it thinking that he probably just wanted it for church purposes, if they needed me to play the piano for something or something like that. But I also hoped that it would be more than that. I wanted to have a chance to get to know him. Not necessarily to date, Just to talk. I just wanted to know what was going on in his head; I wanted to know how he felt about life.
One day he called and told me, “I have a request, but I am going to be busy for the next three days doing exams, would you like to hear my request now, or later” I laughed because I had a pretty good idea what his request was, so I told him to ask me later. He called a few days later and asked me if I would go on a date with him. I told him yes and he told me that he wanted to take me to the Source of the Nile. I was excited that I was going to get to see it after all and I was excited that I was going to finally get to know this guy. As I prepared for our date I decided that it might be the only real date that I would get to go on here so I might as well have some fun with it. I went and bought a new skirt, took an afternoon shower and did my hair and makeup. Then I headed to Jinja to meet him at Two Friends corner. As I rode in the crowded bus to get there, I worried that by the time I arrived I would be sweaty and gross again. Finally I arrived at the corner next to the Two Friends Resort. I stood on the street corner waiting for him to arrive and as I waited I watched the pedestrians as each man would approach me I would think is this him? I wondered if I would even recognize him when I saw him. I saw a man in a dirty brown shirt to match his dirty brown pants, his flip flops flapping all over the sidewalk as he walked. (All of which is a common sight here). And I thought, what did I do, agreeing to go on a date with someone from here? What was I thinking? Just then I saw the cleanest, most put together guy on the street approaching me. When he got close enough that I could see his smile I recognized him right away. He told me we would need to take a boda boda to The Source and asked if I was comfortable getting on one with him or if I would like to ride separately. I told him I was ok sharing. If you read this post

https://acowintheocean.wordpress.com/2013/06/17/and-life-goes-on/

I talked a little about that trip to the Nile. I even posted this picture of the two of us.DSC00420 What I didn’t say was that it was probably the best first date of my life. We talked and talked with no realization that time was going by. He told me of his conversion to the gospel, of the passing of his father, and of his hopes and dreams. I felt like I was reconnecting with an old friend that I hadn’t seen in years. I felt comfortable and at home, I felt like I wanted the night to go on forever. As we sat eating chicken sandwiches and drinking strawberry milkshakes at the restaurant at the edge of Lake Victoria, the sun was setting, we had the whole place to ourselves and the quietness of the evening lent itself to romance.DSC00425 I wasn’t even remotely surprised, when as we stood to leave he took my hand and our fingers naturally entwined together as we started walking through the gardens. When he left me at the gate that night (I was spending the night with a sister in Jinja) I didn’t want to let him go.DSC00424

Is this a polyga-date?

tumblr_lfka2o9RrE1qdmtdzNot ALL of my dates have been bad ones. I’ve had some really good ones actually. This just wasn’t one of them.

I had met Mike somewhere, probably at church or something and I thought he was pretty cute. So when a friend of mine invited me to bring a date and double with him on a snow mobile ride I thought I would ask Mike. He graciously accepted and we headed up the canyon.

As we were getting the snowmobile’s off the truck and getting ready to take off. A ranger came through warning us about avalanche danger. He told us to make sure that we had flares and to be careful and stay on the paths. We didn’t have any flares but we weren’t about to let that ruin our trip. So off we went. Mike liked to drive fast which normally I would have loved but he was really jerky and I was finding it difficult to stay on the back. My legs were aching before very long from clinging to the machine.

MIke pulled ahead of the others and we were flying through the canyon. I had long since given up trying to see where we were going and was just hanging on for dear life. My mask had fogged up so completely that it was all just a blur. I hoped Mike could see better than I could.

Soon I felt snow up around my legs, much farther than it would have if we had been on the road. Then I landed in a pile of snow with Mike beside me. I laughed and pulled of my helmet. Then I stopped laughing. We were literally sitting on the edge of a cliff. And I’m not talking a little one, I’m talking an I can’t see the bottom, and there would be no chance of survival if we went over the edge kind of cliff. We had both fallen off the snowmobile just before it went over the edge.

Luckily neither of us were hurt. And in fact neither was the snowmobile. It was perched jauntily in the very tip-top branches of a large tree. We sat there a minute laughing about our near miss and wondering how we were going to get it out of the tree when I suddenly realized that our first course of action was to get back to the road and flag down the others before they passed us and went further on up the trail. I scrambled to my feet and raced up to the road only to see the snowmobile fly past. We were completely off the road, where no one passing would have noticed us. I wondered how long it would take before they realized we weren’t in front of them anymore and came back looking for us.

In the mean time Mike and I sat and waited. We were both trying to make the best of a bad situation. “Just think, he said, this will make a great story to tell our grandkids.” I choked for a second, did he mean OUR grandkids, or our respective, grandkids, that would be entirely two separate and distinct groups of children…

As I was pondering what he meant I heard a loud, voice of the universe kind of rumbling. Thunder…?

Mike and I looked at each other, our eyes wide, was it possible that we had been spared going off the edge of a cliff only to be buried alive in an avalanche?

I held my breath, waiting and watching to see what was going to happen. Nothing did. Turns out it was really thunder. After a bit of a wait and not a little frustration the rest of our group found us and we pulled the snowmobile back onto the road and headed home. Now I know what you are thinking, that’s not such a bad date, right. Well, see the bad date hadn’t started yet. A couple of days later, I was talking with Mike in the lobby, Maybe I’m a bad listener, maybe he is a long talker, we may never know but somewhere along the way I had spaced out a little during his monologue until suddenly Mike brought me back with, “well, what do you think, do you want to go?”

I scrambled, trying to guess what he might have been talking about, finally I decided to go out on a limb. “Yeah, that sounds fun,” I said,

“great I’ll pick you up at about 6 then.”

“So, um, which day is it again?” I asked sheepishly

“It’s Saturday, the concert starts at 7:30 but its going to be a bit of a drive. I thought we might get dinner afterward as well.”

Ohhh, sounds like he asked me out on a date and I totally missed it!

I went home and told my room-mate about it. She told me that there was a group of people going and that she was going with the boy she had been dating as well. She was able to fill me in on the fact that we were going to a symphony in Salt Lake.

Saturday night rolled around and I was ready when Mike showed up to get me. He came to the door and all was fine till we got back to the car and there was a girl sitting in the passenger seat of the car. I was confused to say the least.

I got in the back seat and we started to drive. Somehow I had missed something huge. This was not what I had in mind. Either Mike was a wannabe polygamist who had decided to save a little time by courting both of us at once, or this was no date at all.

We met up with the rest of the group and we were the only threesome, the rest were couples, obviously on a date. I felt so awkward. during the concert the other girl and I sat on opposite sides of Mike. I wished I could have sat in a different section. She had this annoying laugh, which I heard often. And when she did laugh she would open her large mouth really wide and her tongue and hangy man would do this weird little dance where one looked like it was trying to catch the other. I was both horrified, and mesmerized by the strangeness of it all. And I could not believe that this was the girl I was in competition with. I decided then and there that if this was my competition, I was out of the game. I was not going to play this game with her.

The concert finally ended and we proceeded to the second part of our awkward threesome. Dinner was fun, because I just ignored them completely and visited with the others. But on the way home, she offered to let me sit in front as though he were the prize and she wanted to give me my fair share of time sitting in the honored position next to him. I very graciously declined that honor and claimed the back seat.

I guess I will never know who was at fault for this strange mess. Maybe he had some explanation. Probably not. Whatever the case was, any charm that I had ever seen in him was lost and that was the last ahh hmmm, “date” I ever went on with him.

In search of the worst date ever…

I thought this kid was so cute. And his face looks like how I felt hearing this story.

I thought this kid was so cute. And his face looks like how I felt hearing this story.

As many of you know, after my last bad date, I decided that I think I am done going on bad dates. At this point I think I am going to be more choosy about who I am going to allow to set me up and who I agree to go out with. My old philosophy was, what do I have to lose, the worst that could happen is that I could have a really great bad date story. I might as well go. My new philosophy is Don’t go unless you want to. I no longer feel like I need to put myself through that for the sake of feeling like I am doing my part.

The only down side to this change of heart is that (hopefully) I will have no more bad date stories to share. So since it seems that so many of you actually really like reading about bad dates I decided that I will just change my focus. My new mission is to find the WORST date story. And wow have I heard some doozies. My favorite to date is one that my friend told me, I believe it actually happened to her uncle, (We’ll call him Joe)

This date took place on the Heber Creeper, a local historic railroad. The 95-year-old train takes passengers on a scenic little ride around the beautiful Heber Valley. Not a bad date idea actually; and the date wasn’t going too bad. Until the train made a quick stop. Suddenly Joe was “struck.” Anyone who has ever been struck needs no explanation of what I mean here; but for those of you who don’t know, let me just say that being “struck” is what happens when the contents of your colon all decide at exactly the same second that they are going to make a mass exodus from your body. At that point regardless of your potentially amazing powers of sphincter control, nothing is going to stop the avalanche of outhouse input from exciting…quickly.

So, our friend Joe got struck. He got struck bad. And as he was waiting not so patiently in line to get off the train and only hopping that he would make it safely to the mens room he lost the  battle to keep his insides…well inside.

As it ran down his leg, Joe ran down the steps and left his date behind. Frantically he ran to a gift shop looking for something, anything to change into. He found a package of sweats and bought them. Just at that moment he heard the train whistle blow, signaling its imminent departure. Rushing as fast as the rather awkward situation in his pants would let him, he reboarded the train and went straight to the bathroom to clean up and change into the sweats. Maybe his date wouldn’t notice or at least wouldn’t ask.

poop_pants22He took off his pants and underwear. Standing in nothing but his shirt he looked around the small room, wondering what in the world to do with the mess. Finally, he had an idea. It seemed the only option so he opened the window and threw his pants, underwear, and all of their contents out the window. He opened the package and found to his dismay that the sweat pants he had purchased were not sweat pants at all. It was a sweat shirt.

Joe hid out in the bathroom until the train came to a stop and everyone left. Then he quickly put his legs into the arms of the sweatshirt, covered himself as best he could and made a mad dash for his car. No one ever knew what happened to the poor girl who was the unfortunate other half of this date, but I bet she has a story of her own she has been telling over the years.

All I can say is better her than me 🙂

Feel free to share your bad date stories here. I love to hear them.

Signs of a Crazy Psycho Date

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I went on a couple of dates this weekend. I always thought I had nothing to lose by going on a date because even if its a bad date, at least it will make for a good story…

After this weekend, I think I will be a bit more particular. So after doing an analysis of all that made this date, less than fun this is what I learned.

My first mistake: Agreeing to go on a date when my gut feeling was that I would rather stay home with my senior citizen parents and watch old reruns of bonanza than go on a date with him.

His first mistake: Asking me on a date and then informing me that he doesn’t have a car and asking me to come pick him up.

My mistake: IN an effort to keep conversation going, talking about places in the world that I would like to travel.

His mistake: Telling me where he would take me if we went on a honeymoon.

My mistake: Agreeing to go on a date just because I didn’t want to say no to a Jazz game.

His mistake: Asking me every five minutes throughout the entire game if I was ok, if I was cold, if I was hungry, or if I was tired, and then commenting on how he wanted to take care of me. It was awkward, and a little overwhelming.

My mistake: Thinking that maybe if I suggested we get some ice cream he might stop asking me if I was ok. I thought he might just really want to do something for me.

HIs mistake: Letting his ice cream melt all over his hands and drip all over his pants and the floor.

My mistake: Slipping on the ice while we were walking back to the car.

His Mistake: Asking me if he could hold my hand. In my opinion you don’t ask. If you KNOW that she wants you to, just do it. If you don’t just leave it alone. But don’t ask.

My mistake: Getting on facebook after I got home.

His Mistake: Posting what an epic time he had with me and including my name in his status. And then messaging me trying to tie me down for a second date.

My mistake: Trying to let him down easy by telling him that I had a good time but I just didn’t see it going anywhere so I didn’t think we should go out again.

His mistake: Going postal on me and telling me that it was not very christ-like of me to judge him without giving him a chance, that his first mistake was taking me out in the first place, and that he regretted spending a single dollar on me.

At this point I ignored him and he continued to message me telling me that he wondered what his neighbors would think of the way I treated him, and saying that for a Mormon girl I sure play a good game.

At that point I unfriended him and blocked him on facebook. At which point he proceeded to send me text messages with scripture references telling me that you can’t judge the righteous and that you have to hold out and let the lord show you, and telling me that he knows what he did that freaked me out.

I woke up feeling as though I needed therapy. But I did learn that somethings are not even worth dealing with for the sake of a good story.

Fortunately for me, my date the following night was filled with genuine laughter, a good time, and watching a performance by one of my favorite musicians. I left feeling as though my faith in the dating world was somewhat renewed.

Monopoly or Love…what’s the difference?

Have you ever played a board game with a little kid? It can be rather confusing. There is no rhyme or reason to the rules. If you pass go and collect $200 they just out of the blue decide that actually passing go means you pay them $200. You only get three rolls in yahtzemr_monopolye but if they don’t get the dice they want somehow they get 5 or 6. It means that you carry them around on your shoulders when ever they want, clap and cheer for them when they win or when they lose, and basically do whatever they want. It’s a total guessing game as to what the rules are and somehow they just expect you to know.
I’ve always known that guys are really just little boys in grown up bodies so it shouldn’t surprise me that they play with the same kind of rules but it doesn’t make it any less confusing.
When I first joined the LDS church I thought I understood how dating worked (based of course on the TV shows I had seen and the books I had read.) Basically boy meets girl, they both just somehow know they like each other, they fall in love, things don’t work out quite as planned, they have a tearful but mutual goodbye, hearts are broken and it is sad, you shed a few tears it’s a little romantic and then they get over it and meet someone wonderful who makes up for everything and makes you realize that of course this is how things were meant to be all along. Then you get married and live happily ever after. Those were the rules. Or at least I thought.
My experience has been something more along these lines.
You spend way too long wondering when MR. Wonderful is going to come along, and then you meet someone and they are great, and you wonder, could this be it? But he never says the word date even though you are spending a lot of time together. There is not a magical “knowing” and so you assume that there is nothing there. You continue, thinking you are just friends until one day he gives too much of his heart and you break it without ever realizing that it was on the line. You feel horrible, but move on wondering how you missed the signals, you thought you were following the rules.
So, you meet someone else, he is exhibiting the same behavior, spending lots of time with you, telling you all the things you want to hear, buying you things and becoming your best friend. You recognize that you have seen this behavior before and you think “Ok, I know what this means. Now could I like this guy?”
It feels a little weird to consider it, he feels like just a friend but, hey we don’t want a repeat of last time and you want to be sure. So you give it a shot. And about the time you have put your heart on the line he tells you how beautiful he thinks your room-mate is and asks you if you think he ought to ask her out. Totally confused you get angry and wonder how you missed the signs, how you hadn’t followed the rules yet again. But you adjust move on and figure you learned something for next time.
This time you meet a guy that you can’t keep your eyes off of and you can only cross your fingers and hope. He notices you just enough to keep you guessing, spends just enough time with you to keep you confused, then just when you are about to give up on him as a lost cause he tells you he likes you, spends the next year or more making you feel like your world revolves around him and just at the moment when you can vividly see your future with him as the central character, he tells you he just doesn’t feel it after all.
The hurt that you thought was supposed to last a short time, lingers and months later just the thought of him makes you feel like you swallowed an elephant and it got stuck in your throat. He on the other hand has moved on and is happily engaged to be married to someone he just met.
I don’t know what the rules are anymore, in fact I’m not even sure which game we are playing anymore. Nothing has worked out the way I thought it would. And so when the nicest guy I’ve met comes along and starts spending time with me, I’m not going to assume we are just friends, I am not going to assume he is interested, I am not going to follow the rules I set for myself, in fact I am going to pretend like none of it is happening at all. Because that’s the only option left. I don’t want to love someone right now, I don’t know if I could, or if I would if things had been different. I know I enjoy spending time with him, so as long as he wants to I am going to. I know that he makes me feel comfortable and happy, so I don’t want to hurt him. Maybe he will read this and know where I stand, how I feel, and have a better idea of how to play this game than I do. I believe that he is one of the best men I have met. Beyond that all I know is that I don’t know enough to know what to think.

So, if i’ve managed to confuse you…GOOD. We are even.

It’s only the beginning

puzzle

They say you never forget your first love.

There are so many things that I never will forget about mine. I will never forget the way I felt when I first realized that he cared for me. I will never forget that first time that he hesitantly reached for my hand. I will never forget that terrifyingly wonderful moment when I realized I was about to have my first kiss.

I’ll never forget being at work and getting a simple text from him asking if I had been drinking my water (something he knew I had a hard time with) and suddenly realizing that I loved him. I will never forget the thanksgiving day when snuggling together on the couch he whispered to me that he loved me.

I will also never forget the moment standing on a hillside feeling as though my world had come to an end when he told me that it was over for good between us. Things had never been perfect. But I had loved him with everything that I had in me. And although it is over I don’t regret giving my heart. It has grown so much bigger, and is so much more capable of love now than it ever was.

This week I found out that he got engaged.

I may never see him again and I may never get a chance to tell him all that i have in my heart so I will say it here. Here where he will probably never see it, here where I can send it out into the internet universe and put it to rest one final time.

I would tell him, that I am happy for him, that the man that I loved, the boy that I saw inside of him, the friend that knew my heart like no other is still someone that I love. I would tell him that I want his happiness and that I hope that she and he will have all of the hopes and dreams that I know he longed for. I would tell him that after everything we have been through together I just hope that one day if we run into each other I will get to see a genuine smile, from both of us. I would tell him to please not worry about me and to know that I too will find someone and find the happiness that I longed for.

I would tell him thank you for the good times, for the memories and for helping me to become a better person.

Before we broke up I worried that I might not be able to love him in the way that I would need to love and respect a husband. I prayed that I would see him the way that God saw him, so that I would know what kind of man he really was. That prayer was answered and I saw a man whose heart was so full of love and kindness I saw a man that God loved.

When things ended between us we walked and talked for a long time, and he told me that he loved me and probably always would in a way. But that it was just like a puzzle piece that just didn’t fit. Heaven knows we tried hard enough and long enough and it just never clicked. All of that is over now. He found the missing piece of his puzzle and I will start on a new and exciting journey to find mine.

I hope that I will forget the pain of that moment when I saw on his face the love that I waited for too long to see. I hope that I will forget the plans that I had for our future. I hope that all that will remain will be the joy, the growth and the memories. I don’t want to cry over this, I know it was never in the cards for us to be together. He fulfilled his role in my life and what we had will always be a part of who I am. I always said that everyone needed to have their heart broken once. Well now I’ve had mine. And while I will never forget him, I also will look forward with faith knowing that good things, wonderful things are in store for me. It truly is just the beginning.