In search of the worst date ever…

I thought this kid was so cute. And his face looks like how I felt hearing this story.

I thought this kid was so cute. And his face looks like how I felt hearing this story.

As many of you know, after my last bad date, I decided that I think I am done going on bad dates. At this point I think I am going to be more choosy about who I am going to allow to set me up and who I agree to go out with. My old philosophy was, what do I have to lose, the worst that could happen is that I could have a really great bad date story. I might as well go. My new philosophy is Don’t go unless you want to. I no longer feel like I need to put myself through that for the sake of feeling like I am doing my part.

The only down side to this change of heart is that (hopefully) I will have no more bad date stories to share. So since it seems that so many of you actually really like reading about bad dates I decided that I will just change my focus. My new mission is to find the WORST date story. And wow have I heard some doozies. My favorite to date is one that my friend told me, I believe it actually happened to her uncle, (We’ll call him Joe)

This date took place on the Heber Creeper, a local historic railroad. The 95-year-old train takes passengers on a scenic little ride around the beautiful Heber Valley. Not a bad date idea actually; and the date wasn’t going too bad. Until the train made a quick stop. Suddenly Joe was “struck.” Anyone who has ever been struck needs no explanation of what I mean here; but for those of you who don’t know, let me just say that being “struck” is what happens when the contents of your colon all decide at exactly the same second that they are going to make a mass exodus from your body. At that point regardless of your potentially amazing powers of sphincter control, nothing is going to stop the avalanche of outhouse input from exciting…quickly.

So, our friend Joe got struck. He got struck bad. And as he was waiting not so patiently in line to get off the train and only hopping that he would make it safely to the mens room he lost the¬† battle to keep his insides…well inside.

As it ran down his leg, Joe ran down the steps and left his date behind. Frantically he ran to a gift shop looking for something, anything to change into. He found a package of sweats and bought them. Just at that moment he heard the train whistle blow, signaling its imminent departure. Rushing as fast as the rather awkward situation in his pants would let him, he reboarded the train and went straight to the bathroom to clean up and change into the sweats. Maybe his date wouldn’t notice or at least wouldn’t ask.

poop_pants22He took off his pants and underwear. Standing in nothing but his shirt he looked around the small room, wondering what in the world to do with the mess. Finally, he had an idea. It seemed the only option so he opened the window and threw his pants, underwear, and all of their contents out the window. He opened the package and found to his dismay that the sweat pants he had purchased were not sweat pants at all. It was a sweat shirt.

Joe hid out in the bathroom until the train came to a stop and everyone left. Then he quickly put his legs into the arms of the sweatshirt, covered himself as best he could and made a mad dash for his car. No one ever knew what happened to the poor girl who was the unfortunate other half of this date, but I bet she has a story of her own she has been telling over the years.

All I can say is better her than me ūüôā

Feel free to share your bad date stories here. I love to hear them.

Swept off my feet

So my second date was actually in my opinion the most interesting of all the awful dates I’ve been on. Read on and you will see why. When I was in second grade I went to a school for all the children in our group ( we refered to our community as a group instead of a church) I often saw my best friends older brother and I developed a little crush on him. I never really spoke to him just looked from afar. At any rate I moved away after second grade and didn’t see him again.

Then one day shortly after I had joined the LDS Church I got a phone call from a number I didn’t recognise. the voice on the other end informed me that it was this same boy. Lets call him Andy. Since I hadn’t even really known him or talked to him in second grade I was rather surprised to get a phone call from him almost twenty years later. I’m here to tell you it was a little weird. I asked him how he got my number and he said he had simply called my dad and asked him for it. Honestly even though I had left the group I was still rather surprised that my dad would give a guy my phone number. But he had and now I found myself actually on the phone with Andy. I wondered if he still looked as good as he did years ago.

He told me that he was in town and asked if I wanted to spend the day with him. Everything in my head was telling me not to go. The whole situation was weird, and he was a guy! It just felt wrong! I kept thinking I cant do this! Tell him no. But then another part of me would think. You are LDS now you can do this. Its ok…no its something you really need to learn how to do. If nothing else this will be good practice. Or at the very least it will be interesting…

And it was. I said yes and an hour later he showed up at the door to pick me up. He was looking as handsome as I had remembered in a black double-breasted suit and a dark blue shirt that accented the blue of his eyes. He had warned me that he wanted to take me someplace nice so this time wanting to look my best I had picked out my favorite dress and done my hair as best I knew how.

The day was surprisingly comfortable. We hung out, had some fun, talked about mutual friends that we hadn’t seen in some time and just generally had a good time. He took me to dinner at a nice restaurant, insisted on opening my doors for me and held my chair for me as we sat down to dinner. Honestly I was not quite sure how to handle such gentlemanly behavior. But I had a feeling I could get used to this kind of treatment.

After dinner we went dancing. He was a good dancer. I had taken some dance classes and was feeling a bit better about dancing these days. I had at least learned a basic waltz and a few other dances so that I could do a little ballroom couple dancing. I had been wearing heels all day so after several hours of dancing my feet were killing me. As we were leaving the dance we stopped outside the building and sat talking on the edge of a large fountain. I pulled my shoes off and rubbed my aching feet. “I don’t think I can walk another step in these shoes” I said, laughing.

He had been carrying his suit coat over his shoulder as we walked and he laid it over is arm and then in one swift movement swept me into his arms and carried me to the car. WOW! I didn’t know if I should be weirded out by that or swept off my feet. Literally. I decided to reserve the right take make an opinion on that later. In the mean time he still was rather attractive so I was going to just enjoy the rest of the evening.

When he dropped me off at the house I was relieved that he didn’t walk me to the door. He opened the car door for me, gave me a hug and then told me that he would love to see me again soon. I invited him to come to church with me the following day. He agreed and then left.

I went inside and called a friend to tell her how successful my date had been. Maybe this wouldn’t be so hard after all! I told her all about the date and she seemed excited for me. Then she asked a follow-up question. “Let me get this straight,” she said, “you knew him when you were in second grade?”

“Yep”

“And what grade was he in?”

“Oh I don’t know… 10th I think”

“Oh wow so he is a little bit older than you. I’m surprised he isn’t married” she said.

“Oh, he is.” I answered

“What! what are you thinking?” She yelled into my ear. “You cant date a married man!”

Honestly it wasnt until that very moment that the realization dawned on me that yes I was LDS and I should be dating but now there were rules about who was available and who was not. And now an already married man was definitely not on the list that was available.

During dinner we had talked about his wife and kids. He had even shown me pictures and somehow It hadn’t clicked. In that moment on the phone with my friend it clicked and I had to laugh a little at how ironic that in my limited experience dating I had already managed to go on a date with a married man. So much for leaving my background behind!

That was my first date with him and that was my last. My friend sat between us as church and made it more than clear that the best thing for him was to just go on his way and leave me be. I was grateful to not have to do more than just tell him that I didn’t think it was a good idea for us to keep in touch.

I hoped that at the very least I had learned some skills to take me into a more positive dating experience the next time.

My First Date

First a disclaimer on behalf of the men that I date: If you recognize yourself in one of the stories that I blog about know two things. First, you made it to the blog because it was a really bad date, (could be your fault, could be mine but either way it wasnt very good) or possibly something about the way you date was so exemplary that I want to hold you up as an example of all that is good in the dating world. If that is the case kudos to you! That brings me to the second thing that you should know, no matter who you are or just how bad or good the date was I will at the very least respect your privacy enough not to use your name or details about you that might lead to other people recognising your identity. If the things that I have to say hurt someone’s feelings ultimately I apologize. However, chances are if¬†‘ the case you needed to hear it anyway…

Second a short disclaimer on my behalf…I never claimed to be great¬†at dating, in fact many times I have bemoaned the fact that I can’t¬†simply turn the whole thing over to a committee of carefully selected individuals who would choose a spouse for me and all I would have to do is show up for the wedding. Oh yeah and ultimately make the marriage work. But that’s¬†beside the point. The point is as you read about my dating faux pas please don’t¬†judge too harshly. Laugh a little if you want, cringe where ever appropriate, even leave me comments offering advice but just remember that I didn’t make the rules I just have to try to live by them.

And with that the story of my first date

I had been attending the Orem Institute of Religion for some time and was proud of myself for stepping so much outside of my comfort zone. Every day I was attending class all by myself, meeting new people, and learning so many new things. One day I was sitting in the gym having lunch and talking with various members of the choir. As I fixed my plate of food a guy came up to me and started talking with me. I was ok at first and then when he followed me to my seat and I realized that this wasnt going to just be polite conversation while standing in line but something that was going to continue on through the meal I started to get a bit nervous. I still wasnt all that used to having conversations with guys one on one. It wasnt horrible until suddenly¬†there was this tension in the air and somehow I just knew…dont ask me how…I just knew that he was about to ask me out on a date. I scrambled to me feet threw away what was left of my food, mumbled something about needing to go home¬†and headed for my car. He offered to walk with me and I didn’t know what else to do so¬†I set a fast pace and prayed I would make it before he had a chance to ask.

Finally the car was in sight and all I had to do was keep the conversation on other things long enough to make it another few yards. I was closing in on it…had my hand on the door handle and then it happened. “I would like to take you out sometime” he said. I fumbled for words.¬†How does one go about saying no? I had never really thought about it before. My mouth seemed to answer of¬†its own accord and I was appalled¬†to feel a smile firmly and falsely¬†spread across my face.

“I would like that” I said. Inside though I was screaming, “No, say no jump in the car and pray you will never see him again”

“Great, can I get your number and Ill¬†give you a call” he was nice and polite but he might as well have been a bear asking for permission to bite off my head for as¬†much as I wanted to go out with him. “I can’t” I answered. “I have to go and I don’t have anything to write it on.”

“Thats¬†ok. I’ll¬†see you tomorrow at choir I can just get it then.” At least I was off the hook for the moment. I got in the car and tried not to cry as I drove home. What had I done? Why had I said yes?

The next day I didn’t¬†think any more about it until I showed up for choir and as I walked in the door I saw him standing in the lobby. I panicked¬†and ran to the bathroom where I stayed safely secluded in the stall until just a minute before the concert was supposed to start. I made it to my seat with just enough time to prevent him from talking to me. Now all I had to do was get out fast enough afterwards that he couldn’t talk to me then either and I would be home free.

It wasnt meant to be. Even though I managed (with a lot¬†of careful maneuvering) to get out without having to talk with him that night he had gotten my phone number off the role and he called me a few days later. “I thought maybe we could go dancing” he told me. My jaw about hit the floor. Dancing! Are you kidding me! I wanted to yell. Simply being alone in a car with him terrified me. I certainly didn’t want to go dancing with him. That would involve him actually touching me! That simply wasnt an option.

“Actually, I have a better idea,” I tried¬†to sound enthusiastic. “there’s this institute class that I go to sometimes. It’s really great. We could go to that!” There was a long pause on the other end of the line.

“Sure, we could do that I suppose, we can always go dancing another time”

“great sounds good” I said.” I’ll see you then.” I was about to hang up when he stopped me.

“where should I pick you up?” He asked.

“You don’t need to pick me up,” I said hopefully “its kind of far. I can just meet you there”

“I don’t¬†mind,” he said.” Just tell me where and I will pick you up.” I didn’t¬†know what else to say so I agreed and asked him to pick me up at a friend’s house¬†so that he wouldn’t see the monstrosity that was my parents house and then I would have to answer all kinds of questions about our lifestyle.

Later I told Bro. B, one of my teachers about my predicament. He wasnt sympathetic to my plight at all. “What are you going to wear?” He asked. I wondered what that had to do with anything! I hadn’t thought about it at all.

“Well its tonight,” I said.

” I know, so what are you going to wear?”

“I guess I’m¬†wearing this…” I said. “It’s what I have on. Unless there is some reason why that wont work?”

He went on to explain. Usually when you have a date he told me you clean up, wear something nice. And besides I still dressed like a polygamist with my long sleeves and ankle length dress. He thought that maybe I would wear something else.

“Nope, I think what I have on will work just fine.” I said. He left it at that.

The date itself wasnt awful…

We just sat and listened to the lesson. I did have to ride with him in the car but he had to keep his eyes on the road and his hands on the wheel so I didn’t¬†have to worry about him touching me or about making eye contact so all I had to worry about was making conversation. It wasnt as bad as I had anticipated until the end of the evening came and he brought me back to my friend’s house. Suddenly there was an awkwardness and I realized that I didn’t know how to make the darn thing end. I wanted it to all just go away.

“thanks” I said as I got out of the car. hoping he would just drive away and that would be it. But I could see him getting out and I knew it wouldn’t be that easy. “Heaven forbid” I thought. “I think he is going to walk me to the door!”

In fact he went in with me which wasnt all that bad. That way I didn’t¬†have to have the awkwardness of saying goodbye at the door. We went inside and I immediately¬†found my friend and disappeared in her room. After awhile he called into the other room and told me he was leaving. Ok see you later I yelled back. and It was over. First date down and hopefully I wouldn’t have to go through that again for a very long time!