Celibacy in the Suburbs

While the rest of the world produces and watches tv shows like sex and the city, I sit in Provo, UT. living celibacy in the suburbs. I’m not complaining…not really. But if I’m honest I am a little tired of being single. One of my single friends was asked by her students if she was a nun since she wasn’t married. She simply informed them that she was not a nun..its just that when it came to guys…she had none.

Welcome to my life. Celibacy in the suburbs. I hope I’m not anything like Carrie, and I know my roommates don’t really resemble, Charlotte, Samantha, and Miranda but just for the fun of it I’m going to use their names instead of ours.

My episode would be called…

“The Last Kiss”

I have this theory about last kisses. There is no such thing. When you break up with someone and you think, I just want one last kiss. It never ends up that way. The minute the kiss is over you are thinking wait…just one more, one more, and one more. It never ends! That is why I have this theory that when you break up with someone you should just make a clean break and walk away. No strings attached.  No last kiss, no meeting up to talk and absolutely under no circumstances try to remain friends.

Mr. Big called me last night. Samantha and I were having a relaxing evening doing glitter toes in the basement when my phone rang. My special ring tone “Are you going to kiss me or not” alerted us both that it was Big calling. Samantha looked at me with that all-knowing look and said “You know you shouldnt answer that.”

But I did and as I walked up the stairs her words bounced off the walls behind me. “You need to make better choices!” Don’t we all.

Meanwhile across the country Charlotte was dealing with a break up of her own. Or not dealing with it depending on how you like to look at it. She and Trey had decided months ago that until certain issues were resolved they were better off on their own. But then after a few weeks Charlotte started to wonder if they would ever get back together and she wanted just one last kiss.

Having lunch one day at Zupas we had discussed the pros…well pretty much just the cons of the last kiss. The only pro is that it feels good for a minute. I shared with her the sage advice I had learned about last kisses from my own experiences with Big. “It will feel good for a minute and then you have to go through those first weeks without him all over again” I told her. “and before you know it a year has gone by and all you have are a handful of last kisses.” She agreed that it was not a good idea to have her last kiss. We both made a pact that no matter how much we thought it would help and feel good in that moment there would be no “last kiss”

But as so many of us do Charlotte found that she just had to learn from her own experience. She had her “last kiss” and the next thing she knew the last was just the first of many. She and Trey were right back where they had started, with their issues still not resolved.

After answering Big’s phone call we decided we needed to get together just to talk. I don’t want to hate him. I love him too much for that. Our relationship was special…is special in its own unique, often awful sort of way. So we needed this talk, I needed to see him, I needed to establish that while I know that marriage to Big is not a good idea as a person he still means a lot to  me. We decided that we would see each other more often, but in less intimate settings and we would try to work on our friendship. Which meant that there could be no kissing, none of that relationship stuff that makes things complicated. We talked, and we agreed. It was good to see him again. It was good to feel like I was finally moving on. Which led to the inevitable last kiss. The last kiss that I know is not a good idea, the one that just leaves you wanting one more, the one I thought would be the exception.

I deserve more than Big is willing to give me. I see the excitement and love and joy on people’s faces as they kneel across an alter and start a journey that will change their lives forever. I want that. I want a real relationship. I am tired of last kisses. Ironically, they never seem to last.

Shame on singlehood!

I had planned to write another piece following up on my last post about Polygamy and Mormon’s. And then I went to work and I sat talking for a while with a man who has been married for almost 50 years to the same woman. He was giving me a little fatherly advice on dating and marriage and such. I was happy and quite content when the conversation started and while I know he meant well, by the end of the conversation I was feeling more than a little sad.

Not the down and out I hate my life and wish someone would roll over me with an 18 wheeler kind of sad. Not even the I need to sit in my room with a box of tissues and an even bigger bucket of Ben and Jerry’s kind of sad. Just a deep sigh of I want something more kind of sad.

You see, Im single, and thirty and sometimes I just feel really alone. This is a world built for couples, for families and I am tired of being just me.

There was a time, and not so very long ago that I would have been a little ashamed to admit that so openly and brazenly. But its true. Somehow its easy to feel ashamed of those desires as though by saying that I want to be married I am admitting to being a mindless knit wit of a girl who sees value in herself only if she is loved by someone. It’s not that I feel that I am getting so old, or that I see all my friends married and feel left out, it’s not that I feel that I must be unlovable if I don’t have some man doting on me and getting down on one knee to propose. It’s not even that I am often lonely, although I am. It’s none of those things.

I am a pretty confident person, I have made my own way in the world, determined my path in life, set out on an adventure that I never would have dreamed possible, traveled the world, met all kinds of people, seen some really amazing and some really awful things. I have lived alone in my own place and enjoyed the independence of doing what I want when I want without worrying about another person. I have earned a degree, written a book, performed on stage, had many different experiences that I am really glad that I have had.

But I want to find out what married couples fight about and start fighting…and making up. I want to have someone who calls during the day just to see how my day was. To have someone who will hold me when I am having pain, who will listen when I need to talk and who will talk with me. I want to go to the grocery store and buy for more than one. I want to pick up someone else’s clothes and put them in the hamper when he forgets. I want to have inside jokes and memories that come with years of living with a person and knowing them so well that you can get as much from a look as you could from a whole paragraph.

I want a family, a baby, children, a mess in the house, piles of laundry to do. I want the bad days when dinner burns, the baby wont stop crying, the dishwasher broke and I just want to sit on the floor in defeat and wonder if I am crazy to be trying this at all. And I want the good days too where everything goes well and my husband arrives home to a tasty dinner on the table and our brilliant children quietly helping with chores and me looking more beautiful than ever greeting him at the door with a kiss. (Ok so maybe that’s asking for a bit much) I want to bring a spirit into this world, a human being and watch them grow, and teach them and see them grow into an individual. I want the satisfaction of knowing that I created something so complete and perfect, and amazing as a little person! I have loved being by myself! I really have but now I want to start spending the rest of my life with someone. I want to start a family and look forward to grand kids, I want to move on. What I don’t want is to be married just to get it done. I am happy single…most of the time. But I would still rather be single and unhappy than married and unhappy. At least then you have something to look forward to. I read this quote today from a book called the Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie society. It goes like this. ” I can’t think of anything lonelier than spending the rest of my life with someone I can’t talk to, or worse, someone I can’t be silent with.”
And so at the end of the day, when I come home and briefly cross paths with my roommates ( who I love and adore), eat my dinner alone and then sit here and complain to the universe at large about my desire to be married. I refuse to feel small and insignificant, I wont feel like a simple, sweet, girl, who just wants to be married. I will be happy with my life and accomplishments, I will look forward to the next stage of life. I will feel like a grown woman who wants more out of life than what I have and I wont be ashamed.