I’m a Mom! Preston turned 6 weeks old yesterday and I am still wrapping my head around the fact that I am a mom. This isn’t just a temporary experience that will one day go away this is the real deal. The truth is that I have mixed emotions about that.

As I have seen so many others have babies i mostly saw just the good parts. The blissful mother sitting quietly rocking her sleeping baby wrapped sweetly in a blanket. My experience has been a bit different or at least there were things about being a mom that I never saw with other people.

I never saw…

how sometimes you don’t realize until the end of the day that you never combed your hair. And then when you do realize it you also realize that you really don’t care.

how many times I would find myself racing to the bathroom because since the birth I literally have seconds before its too late; and I never knew how many times I would have a nursing baby in my arms at the same time because he would scream if I tried to put him down.

those moments at 3 am when the baby hasn’t slept all night and just won’t stop screaming and you feel like challenging him to a match to see who can cry harder.

I never knew the “joy” of nursing a baby while milk from the other side drips down your belly and onto your baby.

But there was no way that anyone could have prepared me for the feeling that I would get when my finally satisfied baby looked up at me with milk dripping from his chin, opened one eye and grinned.

I couldn’t have foreseen how much joy I would get from hearing him finally poop after it has been a few days and I am worried.

And nothing compares with laying in the bath tub with my baby laying next to me, his arms and legs wrapped around me like a little monkey and his little face propped up so that I can see his wide open eyes, his fat chin and pink lips propped up on my chest looking as content and happy as I have ever seen him.10564793_10154365362515344_1384080184_n

I lay awake at night marveling at the tiny pink balls that are the undersides of his perfect little toes, the tiny dimples on his little manly hands and his funny elf shaped ears.

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His one little curl that WILL stand up in the center of his head and the little muscles of his arms make me just want to squeeze him.

He loves to cuddle and he sighs in contentment when I am close to him. Its so amazing to know that he loves me so completely and that I am the one he wants above all others. I never new I would sit and cry just because I don’t know what else to do with all the love I feel.

It scares me a little to love someone so much. Especially someone so vulnerable. Before I had a baby, I was never really afraid of much because the worst thing that could happen was that I would die… and that didn’t seem so horrible. Now there are dozens of worse things that could happen and all of them make my blood run cold with fear.

What if he gets sick and I don’t know how to make him feel better?

What if He gets hurt? I could get in a car accident, I could drop him, he could fall off the bed, he could choke, he could just stop breathing in the night for no reason, he could have any number of complications that would be outside of my control and the thought is horrifying. Nothing is worse than the thought of losing my baby or of seeing him suffer.

I have always heard stories of soldiers laying dying and calling for their mothers with their last breaths. Now I have a little son and suddenly that becomes the most heart breaking thing I have ever heard. I pray every day with all of my heart that the Lord keeps my little one safe. 10551783_10154365363500344_372717421_n

Grandma is worried about how empty the house is going to feel when this little one goes home.

And I am worried about what I am going to do without all the help taking care of him.

Being a mother is scary, difficult, exhausting, wonderful exhilarating, fulfilling and indescribable…

So I guess I better stop trying. Besides I think I hear him stirring…

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Yep! I’m A Mom. You Can Tell From The Stale Milk On My Shoulder

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I work at a detention center for youth who are in trouble. The other day I saw some interesting behavior from one of the boys. He mooned another boy who had a history of sexual abuse and then he was afraid that the boy was going to press charges and that he would find himself going from juvenile prison to the real thing.

For weeks he was worried that this other boy would press charges. One day as they were passing in the hall he punched the other boy in the face. One would think that if he was worried that he would get into worse trouble and end up in jail, punching the kid in the face would NOT be the most effective strategy. It would be easy to judge his intelligence if I didn’t know that we often do that kind of thing. The thing that we fear the most we tend to bring into our lives.

Here’s an example, I knew a lady when I was a little girl who hadn’t married until her 40th birthday. from the time I remember I was worried that, that would be me. The funny thing is that in a polygamist culture that really doesn’t happen. People just get married. They just do. I went to my dad one day and just wanted to know what would happen if I didn’t marry. “You will he assured me, stop worrying about it.”

But what if I don’t? I asked, “I just want to know what would happen. Say I’m thirty and still not married, do I move away from home? Do I get a job? (Both things that an unmarried girl in my culture wouldn’t have done) What happens then?”

I never got an answer.

As I approached 22 I went to him again. I was concerned because I was bored. I wasnt going to school, I wasn’t working, I wasn’t married, All my friends were married, my sisters were married and having children and I wondered what I was supposed to do.

I suddenly saw the next ten years looming ahead and me sitting at home doing dishes and emptying the trash. I wondered again what I was supposed to be doing with my life. I wanted to know at what point I branched out and did something different.

Still I didn’t get an answer

This year I turned 30. AHHHHHH yep still single

Fortunately for me I am not still sitting at home doing dishes and taking out the trash. I am training to be an EMT. I recently finished my associates degree and am working towards a bachelor’s in Communications. I have a job I love and some great work experience. I have awesome roommates and great friends. No husband, but I’m happy.

But I digress, my point is that I have noticed that I tend to sabotage myself. For example here is a followup to a previous post. If you haven’t read it yet read https://acowintheocean.wordpress.com/2012/02/06/a-clingon-adventure/

I ended up kind of liking Jake. He was sweet and funny and we talked easily and I enjoyed his company. The fact that he was really cute wasn’t lost on me. Better yet he seemed interested in me. I am not afraid to admit that I really blew it with him. It wasn’t until later that I started to see a pattern in my behavior and realized that I was self-sabotaging.

Shortly after our first date Jake and I were talking and he offered to help me study for one of my classes. I went to his place and we studied. He offered me something to eat and drink and I only saw it as a study session.

That weekend he called and asked me if I would like to have dinner with him. I told him no. I could have explained that I didn’t have access to a vehicle to drive to his house, If I had told him about my family, I could have explained that it was awkward for me to admit to my parents that I was spending time with a guy after all their years of teaching that it was sinful and wrong. And that since it was Sunday I was worried about telling them were I was going.

But I didn’t I just told him that I already ate and wasn’t hungry.

Another time after class he wanted to hang out and play the piano, I left him waiting in the hallway for me for over an hour while I visited with a friend. Since the friend happened to be male I am pretty sure it sent the wrong message.

So for those of you who were curious about how things ended with Jake….that’s how. I blew him off over and over again and eventually he stopped trying. Why do we do that? Why do we self sabotage?

One of these days I will see if I can find the answer and then I will post it. In the mean time, feel free to leave me your opinion.

Also Don’t forgot that during the month of February you can email me your story and enter to win the dating story contest. See details on  https://acowintheocean.wordpress.com/2012/02/07/valentines-day/

Self Sabatage